For today’s blog post I’ve decided to do a public service message. I hope that it will be helpful to readers far and wide. You can thank me later.
YOUR CLOTHES, PEOPLE! For the love of everything holy, good, and decent, please take a look in your closet and make careful selections in shopping. No, this is not directed only at those of you who frequent the Wal-Mart (yes, we have seen your photograph on Facebook) wearing your pajamas and little more. This is for the many thousands of people who just have never been taught rules of shopping, dressing, and basic decorum when going into public.
Here to guide and direct you as you clean out your closet (NO! Do not take those things to the second hand store. Burn them!), and go shopping for your new wardrobe, I give you ten fashion rules for the average person.
- You heard it here first folks: Leggings are NOT pants. Your butt and thighs do not look that good. Even if they did look that good, leggings are still not pants. This article of clothing is designed to serve only a few purposes, and pants is not among them. They can be worn under a very long sweater or a slightly short dress to protect your modesty (I’m not Webster’s Dictionary – go look it up and try it sometime.). They can be worn underneath a pair of dress slacks in the winter to keep you warm. They are also often worn by those taking ballet lessons. If you do not take ballet lessons or get cold in the winter, throw them away.
- Earrings come in many forms. There are hoops, studs, dangling, etc. However, if someone, anyone, likens your earrings to “hubcaps” or “fishing lures,” they are too big and distasteful. If they are so large you can stick your fist through them, they are too big. If they also have spikes sticking out of them that could cause harm to a fellow passenger on the subway, they are distasteful. Throw them away.
- Please stop wearing shorts that ride up into your butt crack. This is not a pleasant look for you. We do not wish to see you stick your hands in that location to remove the shorts from betwixt your butt cheeks, then reach in your wallet to pay the server at McDonalds who will be preparing our meal next. Throw those shorts away.
- Let’s discuss cleavage. Don’t show too much. If you have to ask, you’re showing too much of it.
- The world is not impressed with the size of your sagging boobs. It is not pleasant to see sagging breasts. Go to five different bra stores and GET FITTED for a bra. If the clerk begins by asking you what size you currently wear, tell her you do not know so that she will actually measure you. At a good bra fitting they will measure you while you are only wearing a bra, not your blouse over top of it. You will hold the girls up while they take the first measurement. Then when they know the numbers, they will go select bras in that size, and the sizes above and below, for you to try on. Try them on! Do not even think about buying what they bring in the room without trying them on first. An excellent fitter will be able to help you into the bra and adjust the straps so that it will look its very best. If she doesn’t do this, leave the store and go somewhere else. Do not be embarrassed. Professional bra fitters have seen so many boobs they only equate them to numbers, not beauty or sex. Write down the sizes, store names, and how you felt and looked with it on. After you’ve gone to several stores, make your choice and go back to make your purchases. You want three bras: one in the drawer, one hanging to dry, and one on your body. As far as price goes, bras are one of those items in which you get what you pay for. Do us, and you, a favor, and pay enough.
- Unless you are directly en route to a swimming pool or beach, or you are onstage for the Miss America pageant, your swimsuit is not meant to be worn uncovered. Even on a cruise ship, guests who are walking from their cabin to the pool are requested to wear a cover-up garment.
- Seven inch high platform shoes are not attractive. You do not look cute when you walk in them. While you don’t have to have “sensible” shoes, do have logical ones. If you are going out dancing with friends, wear a shoe in which you can actually move about the floor and dance. If you are going to work, wear something in which you can easily move about your place of employment without being a distraction to co-workers or guests. At weddings, your feet will hurt at the end of the night. Be logical. Throw out everything over three inches high!
- A quick review: Pajamas are not appropriate attire for the Wal-Mart unless: A) It is the middle of the night; and B) the baby is very sick; and C) you must go pick up the medication at 3 AM.
- Do consider wearing more than two articles of clothing at once. This applies even when you are at the Wal-Mart at 3 AM to pick up the medicine for the very sick baby. It also applies to your visit to the local McDonald’s, for that matter.
- Tattoos are not clothing. Having one in a strategic location does not dismiss the need to cover that location with appropriate clothing.
That is it, at least for now. I’m sure as soon as I step out into the general public, I’ll see some other transgression or fashion faux pas that needs to be addressed. Until then…